Get fit with Dankness Below

By guest reporter Flo Drips

Here at DB, we know many of you will be cooped up at home, just itching to get out. We’ve all got a list of caves ready in mind for when we emerge from quarantine, but until then, it’s important to keep fit.

Follow our cave-specific exercises below, tailored to the area you want to visit. To make the most of these exercises, fill a tacklesack with sandbags, bits of rope, a drill, your mates bottle of water that they won’t even drink, or whatever you normally carry underground. 

1. The Titan – with your bag, do 400 squats. Once finished, shout “fucking hell I still have to do the entrance pitch”. Do 100 more squats.

2. The Mendip – find a local elderly person and offer them assistance. In return, they’ll give you a “permit”. Use this to crawl 200 meters, then treat yourself to a pint of cider. 50 bicep curls with a 500g weight.

3. The Otter Hole – part block your baths plughole and fill it. Run two kilometers, then come back and watch your bath slowly draining before you do the rest of your exercises.

4. The OFD – fill a paddling pool. Run up and down the street occasionally throwing yourself in the pool. Then throw some sand on yourself.

5. The BCA – ponder an exercise regime. Appoint a working group to consider whether we should vote on doing it next year.

6. The Darren – find a gravel driveway, crawl up and down it 150 times. Remember to take a sleeping bag!

7. The Draenan – find a local suburban estate; the sort of mundane grey Barratts one where nothing changes and the streets just go on and on, merging into each other. Wander around this at random for about 12 hours, then argue with a stranger.

8. The Stoney Middleton – crouch walk for 4 kilometers, thinking about how you should have done “the Titan”

9. The North Wales (Millwr tunnel special) – cut the bolt off your shed, shout “fuck the Grovesnor” then go for a long walk.

10. The Cornwall – similar to the North Wales, but film yourself cutting the bolt off and put it on Facebook. After doing several hundred squats, fuck your sister and/or aunt.

11. The CaveFest – five tricep dips, ten pushups, fifteen sit-ups, then invite everyone in Crickhowell to your sex cult.

12. The Cave Diving Group – force the people in your house to carry your exercise equipment to the bathroom. Get in the bath and float around for a bit (bonus points if you use a nice brown bath bomb). When you get out, grunt a bit and stare into the distance to remind everyone how hard you are.

13. The Gaping Gill – run downhill to the bottom of a local hill, do 15 star jumps and a 100m crouch walk in some sand. Then get someone to winch you back to the top.

14. The CNCC – email your neighbour and tell him you’re exercising in his garden. You have a right to roam there! Once there, 200 squats whilst he hoses you down with cold water.

15. The Grampian – nobody knows what this involves, and we don’t think anybody has ever tried it.

And finally, 16: The Jungle Exped – pay several thousand pounds to do any of the above exercises and infect yourself with Ebola. 

Try doing one a day at first, then gradually make it harder. Remember, you shouldn’t be doing the “Red Rose” at this time. This famous sex club has temporarily closed and besides, it’s bad to get within two meters and share fluids with people in a vulnerable group. 

Stay positive. Follow this plan, and when we get through this you’ll be flying through caves like never before!