Council of Southern Caving Clubs Clutches Cash for Concrete

Reports from our undercover journalist inside the Council of Southern Caving Clubs (A body that represents landowners in the Mendip hills) has revealed a hitherto unprecedented fraud in the making.

Rumors have uncovered a drastic set of proposals submitted to the British Caving Association’s upcoming AGM, that includes the creation of 2 new committees of 9 people each, and a further 7 positions on council.

Whilst we do not have all the information, we can reveal that one of the proposals constitutionalizes the Hunters as an Access Controlling Body, and creates a new position of “Gate Secretary” whose job it is to close caves. This would expand the council from its current membership of an efficient 38 people, to a British Caving Citizens Assembly of over 60.

Further, we can reveal the true conspiracy at work: travel reimbursements.

The BCA’s generous travel reimbursement of 60 pence per mile will be funneled by these 25 new council members into a scheme of concrete manufacture and deployment. This follows on from work over the past 20 years by members of the CSCC to deny access to caves.

Our source inside the CSCC, a Mr. Phil Swallet, has told us he is “definitely not involved with the concrete industry” and is “merely concerned about conservation”.

Another member of the CSCC, who asked not to be named, told us: “I worked for 15 years as part of the BCA trying to persuade the government that cavers do not want access to caves. It didn’t work and we lost to those CroW types. Then, I moved on to trying to ban children from caves, but that hasn’t worked either. Now I’m at the end of my tether, and it’s time to concrete the fucking things to make sure they are preserved ready for future generations to forget about them”.

The council, which already spends thousands of its member’s money transporting computer illiterate council members to inconveniently placed meetings, has refused to comment.