Michael Gove is first case of white nose syndrome found in UK

Dankness is sorry to report today that the first case of whitenose syndrome has been identified in the UK. Michael Gove, Tory leadership candidate, has been diagnosed with the fungal infection after several years of suffering. 

The candidate for prime minister is said to deeply regret gaining the disease whilst partaking in some salubrious London based urbexing. 

Due to the focus of the carrier, the fungus is unlikely to arrive in Wales or the North, however the home counties are said to be at risk.

Rumours abound that the Derbyshire Bat Group alongside Orpheus CC, already paid up members of the Tory Party, are working to tackle the infection within the party.