Reports are coming in today that the owner of the Welsh self-appointed National Showcave, Bashful Thrice, has threatened to implement policies of unprecedented abuse.
Despite collective punishment being a war crime under Article 33 of the Geneva Convention, Bashful is threatening to close the showcave to everyone if another entrance is dug.
The owner is well known for shallow publicity stunts, having previously attempted to sue the Met Office because it rained, as well as supposedly illegally dumping plastic pollution in the River Tawe during Storm Callum in order to get on BBC News.
Recent rumours of an “illegal” dig in the system have prompted fear from the owners that their continued caving media hokey cokey (you let your right cavers in, your threaten to leave some cavers out) will come to an end, simultaneously reducing that much clamoured for publicity as well as ending the freak-show style parading of visiting cavers to the general public.
Bashful has made it clear that he will commit war crimes, punishing the entire caving community, including sport cavers, the media, and those interested in the advancement of science, for the actions of a few.
The owners were quoted: “we negotiated this with our insurance company so that we could always hold the Sword of Damocles over the caving community – if you go in the system my way, fine. If you don’t, the world will literally end”.
“We don’t want any of your fucking about”, they continued, “we will fill the fucking thing with plastic fucking dinosaurs”.