“CDG Only Involved in Thai Rescue “To Make GUE Look Bad””

Many of our readers will have heard of the rescue in Thailand, where 13 lucky souls are now thankfully extracted.

Dankness Below would like to commend these rescuers for their heroics, but our inside source has revealed a sinister plot by the CDG (Britain’s “Cave Diving Group”) to secretly use the event to make rival American organisation GUE (the “Global Underwater Explorers”) look bad.

The long rivalry between the organisations started in 1985, when some American cavers invented a protocol, called “Doing It Right” to be used in their specific location. Shortly after this, they insisted this “holistic” method was the only one that could be used globally.

British cavers, who could not use the techniques in the squalor of British caves, were not enthralled. Instead, they invented a different protocol for British caves called “Doing It Wrong” which incorporates the Rule of Thirds, wherein a diver uses a third of the air diving, another third chatting shit about it in the pub, and the final third inventing arcane Freemason-style methods of initiating new CDG members.

The British style, being applicable to a far wider style of underwater caves, and a far wider variety of mental bastards, eventually won out, but not before several violent altercations between gangs of both groups.

Northern Section, UK, attempts to intimidate GUE divers whilst creating the new American CDG

Recently, the CDG have been extending their influence, by volunteering their members for high profile rescues and events, in a bid to create a new American CDG, in order to push American cave diving into the future.

When asked for comment, a GUE representative said: “Look, it’s not about what you do, it’s about what you talk about. The reason none of our best divers could join a rescue is because of a printer malfunction at GUE HQ. We were unable to print out the DIR phase II Certificate of Achievement for our top diver, and consequently we had no qualified divers”.

When asked for comment, the CDG Northern Section Secretary replied: “Fuggbl Ogbfff!”