Number 3 will surprise you! …

Recent developments in the caving world have seen arguments about whether CRoW does or ever will apply to caves that go on and on and on and on. Recently resigned access campaigner Keith Corvus, who had subjected himself for many years to the BCA – often considered the mental equivalent of Dignitas, has said; “Clearly CRoW will apply to caves in the future because it does so currently with no chance of its invalidation coming about, ever.”. This may be the prevailing opinion among cavers, but our undercover legal researchers have found several reasons why CRoW could never apply to caves. This groundbreaking new work was sponsored by MONGCUNT, the Mendip Official Not Going Caving Underground National Team.

1.NEWTS: Some caves have newts in them so we can’t get planning permission to gain access under CRoW. The newts are legally protected by the law, section 3 subsection 14 index 159, and are present in nearly all caves south of the Mersey. Consequently, CRoW will never apply to caves, because to do so would threaten the safety and emotional requirements of newts. #semiaquaticsafespaces

The greater crested British cave Newt is legally protected and it doesn’t give a fuck about your desire to go in GB.

2.CAVES DON’T EXIST: Nobody knows where caves are because none of them are on a Definitive Map ™. Consequently the caves do not exist, and you cannot get access to caves which do not exist. Check-mate, Draenan diggers.

This map is actually a lie. There are no caves, the Ordnance Survey is just particularly proactive in getting the council to fix potholes.

3.CAVES ARE OWNED BY THE QUEEN: Caves are actually owned by Her Majesty and she hates other cavers. After uncovering a new entrance to Draenan recently, followed by reinstalling all of the CSCC locks, she is sick of your shit. Keep out or get a septre up your drunken filthy arse.

Get orf my dig peasants!

4.EVERY TIME YOU DON’T GET A PERMIT, A FAIRY DIES: That’s right. Shot by a landowner. And it’s your fault. In fact, the debate so far has worsened landowner relations so much that the well-known media-botherer and cave landowner Mr. Stour Cost has made plastic fairies to decorate his land. Every time somebody doesn’t get a permit for OFD he’s going to summarily execute one of them and send the head to the SWCC.

All the dinosaurs are dead because of the Draenan debacle, fairies are next.

5.LAND ACCESS IS COMMUNISM: As all proud Englishmen should know, land access is communism, and should be avoided, because communism. Benny Rothman? Communist. Ewan MacColl? Communist. James Bryce, MP? Massive communist. G. H. B. Ward? Mega commie. Even the CNCC secretly stands for Council of Northern Communist Cavers. Resist the Red Menace – Resist CRoW.

Do not let them win.