Our reporters, present at the CCC Ltd. AGM and press conference today, were able to give us a shocking first-look at new cave access rules to be rolled out with immediate effect in the Mendips. The Company, which was set up to limit access to the region’s major cave “systems”, has decided that for controversial legal reasons the following rules apply:
- Cavers must be between the ages of 24.5 and 51. This is for conservation reasons.
- You must not look at the ceiling. Don’t ask why, don’t ask what’s up there, just don’t do it.
- At the top of forty-foot pot is a phallic shrine to the metaphysical concept of the landowner. You must suck it upon entry. This is not for conservation reasons.
- The entry is price is now 500,000 MNT (Mongolian Tögrög/Mendip Nuisance Tariff). This keeps the riffraff out, for conservation reasons.
- All cavers must cave with a sponsored guide officially agglutinated to the Charterhouse Scheme. This may be a warden or other insect of equivalent biological order. For…reasons.
- If caving on the Sabbath, no shellfish may be consumed within the caves. This is for conservation reasons.
- We may change these rules at any time without prior notice or consultation. The word of CCC Ltd. is final and is based on non-contestable imaginary expert legal advice. This is for conservation reasons.
In what appears to be a fit of uncharacteristic modernity, CCC Ltd. has foregone releasing the new commandments by paper-based means, opting for direct digital distribution only. Trusted online media conglomerates such as yours truly at DB S&P have been instructed to disseminate the information. We assume that this is for conservation reasons.