Caver Outraged at Exploration Challenges

Reports have reached Dankness Below that an unnamed club recently undertook a unsuitable trip with an ill-prepared new caver in tow. Our informant suggested that the youth was forced to “walk in wet water” at points and the party refused to blast the cave to neutralise the non-strenuous climb.

We contacted the affected caver who was traumatised by their experiences.“It was horrible! I was expected to crawl through part of the cave and was thoroughly disappointed in the lack of ice cream at the so called ‘Hard Rock Cafe’. Even Snowdon has a café and that’s outdoors!”.

Our loyal readers know that here at Dankness Below we aim to remain a neutral party on the many issues that plague the caving world. However, there is one issue we must stand united against, and that is the intolerable inconveniences imposed on our subterranean population by our arch enemy, the caves themselves. If we are to attract new, younger participants to the sport as we age, we must take action. Now.

In recent years, research undertaken in outdoor sport studies centres has revealed that caves should preferentially move around the caver to maximise human efficiency. We are now campaigning for all caves to be blasted to ensure an average sized four-wheel drive vehicle or train can access all areas of every cave to ensure that situations like this are eradicated completely. Miners have the right idea!

Our wavering caver continued, “They initially suggested doing the trip at 6pm but I moved it forward as its completely unreasonable to expect me to cave at night-time; I wouldn’t be able to see anything!”.

Our rolling improvement scheme will target Derbyshire in the first instance as we feel that mud is simpler to clear than solid limestone. We will slowly spiral outwards covering all regions, although work will be slower in Mendip as we will first have to create the caves to then make them accessible. If you would like more information on our plans or wish to provide support and funding, please go to: www.CROWED.gov.uk, The Car and Rail Official Warrant to Excavate Decree.