– Patrick Locke reports.
Recently leaked documents have made plain to the world where our elected officials keep their cash, and it has come to the attention of the Dankness Below Research Team (DaB-ResT), that our glorious leader Randy Crevice has been swept up in these illegitimate accounting practises.
It has been rumoured that Crevice has not been paying his CBA tax, cunningly named ‘membership’ to dupe the speleoproleteriat who unwittingly keep this establishment propped up. One representative from the organisation spoke at a press conference claiming, “Randy’s position requires utmost devotion whilst standing behind British Caving on the international stage, British Caving is on its knees and it is now that we need him most…”. Crevice declined our invitations to interview.
The CBA committee has been found to have employed the services of an unscrupulous team of Cornish “mine explorers” in a surprising turn of events. The Cornish party have been a vocal minority in recent years, denouncing the CBA, and declaring independence from its governance. It has come to light that they have been dipping into the nation’s coffers after all, and these statements have been made by chief spin doctor ‘Captain Crocs’ to throw us off the scent.
Nevertheless, DaB-ResT has unearthed documentation in the form of digging reports, highlighting the team’s CBA-funded activities involving the commandeering of local ships, and travelling to a minuscule island off the Cornish Coast (pictured above). On this geographically inert landmass a large vertical shaft has been created to penetrate the bedrock, wherein a complex of system of man-made chambers holds the unseen fortune of Crevice and his peers.
The research team has been unable to breach what has been referred to by our specialist (Anne Gleg-Rinder) as, “The fourth-best gate I’ve ever seen.”. Hence, we can only estimate the value of his undeclared holdings based on helicopter-mounted ground-penetrating radar studies to be in the order of several million Green Cards. Whilst these cards in themselves are not usually accepted as a form of currency, in their blank state, ANY value can be printed onto the faces of the cards. More on this below.
One whistleblowing member of a northern caving club came to us with an anonymous tip in March 2016, whilst DaB-ResT was in a quagmire of unpleasant research findings. The whistleblower told us that he was away from home and relaxing in the Hunter’s Inn on Mendip (home to the cloak and dagger CBA enforcers known as the Society of Cut Keys, or SoCK), when he was propositioned for a ten-weight of unmarked Green Cards. Our financial experts equate this to a lifetime membership of the CBA for our anonymous reporter and his entire club, if marked accordingly. He declined the offer based on growing rumours of membership requiring the placing of gates on the homes of the Speleoproleteriat, disagreeing with these harshest of access restrictions.
The more astute of our readers will be wondering where Red Cards come in to all this, and the disconcerting answer is that we simply do not know; our research has so far been inconclusive. The value of a Red Card is known to be higher than that of a Green Card, with holders being granted elite individual freedoms such as being non-party affiliated explorers, unabated by the whims of local and regional party controls.
Please send any anonymous tips you may have to !xX.DaB-ResT.Xxemail@example.com.