We report here the unfortunate news that the Council of Northern Caving Clubs is set to put gates on every entrance to Easegill after damage that has occurred in the system. The new system, unusual for the CNCC, will require cavers to email the CNCC for a permit, which includes the keycode to the electronic fitted gates. The keycode, a 14 digit number, will be changed weekly due to security concerns.
are coming in today that the owner of the Welsh self-appointed
National Showcave, Bashful Thrice, has threatened to implement
policies of unprecedented abuse.
collective punishment being a war crime under Article 33 of the
Geneva Convention, Bashful is threatening to close the showcave to
everyone if another entrance is dug.
owner is well known for shallow publicity stunts, having previously
attempted to sue the Met Office because it rained, as well as
supposedly illegally dumping plastic pollution in the River Tawe
during Storm Callum in order to get on BBC News.
rumours of an “illegal” dig in the system have prompted
fear from the owners that their continued caving media hokey cokey
(you let your right cavers in, your threaten to leave some cavers
out) will come to an end, simultaneously reducing that much clamoured
for publicity as well as ending the freak-show style parading of
visiting cavers to the general public.
has made it clear that he will commit war crimes, punishing the
entire caving community, including sport cavers, the media, and those
interested in the advancement of science, for the actions of a few.
owners were quoted: “we negotiated this with our insurance
company so that we could always hold the Sword of Damocles over the
caving community – if you go in the system my way, fine. If you
don’t, the world will literally end”.
don’t want any of your fucking about”, they continued, “we
will fill the fucking thing with plastic fucking dinosaurs”.
Our internal affairs office has recently come to a startling verdict: the newest Draenan entrance on the tramway was filled in by one of our own journalists, Rusty Screwgate, in an effort to avoid the release of recently weaponised bats, and no, not the wooden kind.
Ddu, the entrance to Draenan opened in 2016, was closed recently by a
man, now identified as Rusty screwgate, using copious amounts of
concrete and steel reinforcements.
was hoping to entomb several hundred bats who became recently
radicalised by and extremist member of the Cambrian Caving Council.
bats were discovered last week by a biologist from the PDCMG, the
organisation responsible for a long campaign to close the entire cave
to anyone not sporting a beard and a funny accent. CCC operatives
soon moved in, transporting them to training camps in Transylvania,
wherein they learnt to make spurious FOI requests and tactically soil
the uniforms (woolly jumpers) of officers from Natural Resources
Wales. The now radicalized bats were fitted with laser headsets, not
only used for guiding in barrels of concrete to wayward holes, but
also used to make accurate Draenan surveys with the aim of showing
them to no one.
Our reporter Mr. Screwgate was immediately concerned by this: “Due to level-headed and sensible approaches to access, people up here nary as rancorous with one another about what is essentially a hole in the ground”. Rusty took action and disarmed the weaponised bats in the most absolute sense; “this terror will not spread, and the rest of the caving community is protected from experiencing this sort evil, mechanised, warfare…for now”.
joint statement from the CCC, PDCMG, and CADW stated: “We are
very disappointed. The issue of the new entrance was being discussed
in a totally reasonable and calm manner, and we were sure that
eventually an agreement, and perhaps even a compromise, could be
reached between the Open Access Nutters and the Cave Destroying
we in the DB team regret the unfortunate experiences of all involved,
we are sure that now the ability to radicalise bats has become
apparent, the sorry issue will only continue into the future. THE
FIGHT GOES ON.
of our readers will have heard of the rescue in Thailand, where 13
lucky souls are now thankfully extracted.
Below would like to commend these rescuers for their heroics, but our
inside source has revealed a sinister plot by the CDG (Britain’s
“Cave Diving Group”) to secretly use the event to make
rival American organisation GUE (the “Global Underwater
Explorers”) look bad.
long rivalry between the organisations started in 1985, when some
American cavers invented a protocol, called “Doing It Right”
to be used in their specific location. Shortly after this, they
insisted this “holistic” method was the only one that could
be used globally.
cavers, who could not use the techniques in the squalor of British
caves, were not enthralled. Instead, they invented a different
protocol for British caves called “Doing It Wrong” which
incorporates the Rule of Thirds, wherein a diver uses a third of the
air diving, another third chatting shit about it in the pub, and the
final third inventing arcane Freemason-style methods of initiating
new CDG members.
The British style, being applicable to a far wider style of underwater caves, and a far wider variety of mental bastards, eventually won out, but not before several violent altercations between gangs of both groups.
the CDG have been extending their influence, by volunteering their
members for high profile rescues and events, in a bid to create a new
American CDG, in order to push American cave diving into the future.
When asked for comment, a GUE representative said: “Look, it’s not about what you do, it’s about what you talk about. The reason none of our best divers could join a rescue is because of a printer malfunction at GUE HQ. We were unable to print out the DIR phase II Certificate of Achievement for our top diver, and consequently we had no qualified divers”.
When asked for comment, the CDG Northern Section Secretary replied: “Fuggbl Ogbfff!”
developments in the caving world have seen arguments about whether
CRoW does or ever will apply to caves that go on and on and on and
on. Recently resigned access campaigner Keith Corvus, who had
subjected himself for many years to the BCA – often considered the
mental equivalent of Dignitas, has said; “Clearly CRoW will apply
to caves in the future because it does so currently with no chance of
its invalidation coming about, ever.”. This may be the prevailing
opinion among cavers, but our undercover legal researchers have found
several reasons why CRoW could never apply to caves. This
groundbreaking new work was sponsored by MONGCUNT, the Mendip
Official Not Going Caving Underground National Team.
1.NEWTS: Some caves have newts in them so we can’t get planning permission to gain access under CRoW. The newts are legally protected by the law, section 3 subsection 14 index 159, and are present in nearly all caves south of the Mersey. Consequently, CRoW will never apply to caves, because to do so would threaten the safety and emotional requirements of newts. #semiaquaticsafespaces
2.CAVES DON’T EXIST: Nobody knows where caves are because none of them are on a Definitive Map ™. Consequently the caves do not exist, and you cannot get access to caves which do not exist. Check-mate, Draenan diggers.
3.CAVES ARE OWNED BY THE QUEEN: Caves are actually owned by Her Majesty and she hates other cavers. After uncovering a new entrance to Draenan recently, followed by reinstalling all of the CSCC locks, she is sick of your shit. Keep out or get a septre up your drunken filthy arse.
4.EVERY TIME YOU DON’T GET A PERMIT, A FAIRY DIES: That’s right. Shot by a landowner. And it’s your fault. In fact, the debate so far has worsened landowner relations so much that the well-known media-botherer and cave landowner Mr. Stour Cost has made plastic fairies to decorate his land. Every time somebody doesn’t get a permit for OFD he’s going to summarily execute one of them and send the head to the SWCC.
5.LAND ACCESS IS COMMUNISM: As all proud Englishmen should know, land access is communism, and should be avoided, because communism. Benny Rothman? Communist. Ewan MacColl? Communist. James Bryce, MP? Massive communist. G. H. B. Ward? Mega commie. Even the CNCC secretly stands for Council of Northern Communist Cavers. Resist the Red Menace – Resist CRoW.
reporters, present at the CCC Ltd. AGM and press conference today,
were able to give us a shocking first-look at new cave access rules
to be rolled out with immediate effect in the Mendips. The Company,
which was set up to limit access to the region’s major cave
“systems”, has decided that for controversial legal reasons the
following rules apply:
must be between the ages of 24.5 and 51. This is for conservation
must not look at the ceiling. Don’t ask why, don’t ask what’s up
there, just don’t do it.
the top of forty-foot pot is a phallic shrine to the metaphysical
concept of the landowner. You must suck it upon entry. This is not
for conservation reasons.
entry is price is now 500,000 MNT (Mongolian Tögrög/Mendip
Nuisance Tariff). This keeps the riffraff out, for conservation
cavers must cave with a sponsored guide officially agglutinated to
the Charterhouse Scheme. This may be a warden or other insect of
equivalent biological order. For…reasons.
caving on the Sabbath, no shellfish may be consumed within the
caves. This is for conservation reasons.
may change these rules at any time without prior notice or
consultation. The word of CCC Ltd. is final and is based on
non-contestable imaginary expert legal advice. This is for
what appears to be a fit of uncharacteristic modernity, CCC Ltd. has
foregone releasing the new commandments by paper-based means, opting
for direct digital distribution only. Trusted online media
conglomerates such as yours truly at DB S&P have been instructed
to disseminate the information. We assume that this is for
changes to permit systems in the Yorkshire Dales have led to the
Council of Northern Caving Clubs admitting they just can’t be arsed
with permits anymore.
ring leader Caulde Pooles, said, “We got together for a meeting
and realised we’d rather be caving. Because of this we’re putting an
awful amount of really good work into making ourselves redundant”.
By making everything available via the their website, including rigging topos, surveys, access details and permits, the council hopes to be fully automated and will someday only have to meet every 10 to 15 years.
just can’t be fucked anymore…” said a prominent member of the
group “…the meetings are not in a pub”.
member of the BCA council, with the unusual name Humdrum Comeatme,
understood their predicament.“I
have to attend BCA meetings and I would literally rather be dead”,
he told us.
tried to contact a “man on the ground” who actually mails
out the permits, but all we got was an out of office autoreply saying
“fuck off, gone digging”.
Reports have reached Dankness Below that an unnamed club recently undertook a unsuitable trip with an ill-prepared new caver in tow. Our informant suggested that the youth was forced to “walk in wet water” at points and the party refused to blast the cave to neutralise the non-strenuous climb.
contacted the affected caver who was traumatised by their
was horrible! I was expected to crawl through
part of the cave and was thoroughly disappointed in the lack of ice
cream at the so called ‘Hard Rock Cafe’. Even Snowdon has a café and
loyal readers know that here at Dankness Below we aim to remain a
neutral party on the many issues that plague the caving world.
However, there is one issue we must stand united against, and that is
the intolerable inconveniences imposed on our subterranean population
by our arch enemy, the caves themselves. If we are to attract new,
younger participants to the sport as we age, we must take action.
In recent years, research undertaken in outdoor sport studies centres has revealed that caves should preferentially move around the caver to maximise human efficiency. We are now campaigning for all caves to be blasted to ensure an average sized four-wheel drive vehicle or train can access all areas of every cave to ensure that situations like this are eradicated completely. Miners have the right idea!
Our wavering caver continued, “They initially suggested doing the trip at 6pm but I moved it forward as its completely unreasonable to expect me to cave at night-time; I wouldn’t be able to see anything!”.
rolling improvement scheme will target Derbyshire in the first
instance as we feel that mud is simpler to clear than solid
limestone. We will slowly spiral outwards covering all regions,
although work will be slower in Mendip as we will first have to
create the caves to then make them accessible. If you would like more
information on our plans or wish to provide support and funding,
please go to: www.CROWED.gov.uk,
The Car and Rail Official Warrant to Excavate Decree.
reports from our undercover journalists have revealed that the Red
Rose Cave and Pothole Club, based near Lancashire, is in reality just
an elaborate front for a highly active swingers’ club.
The remote location of Bullpot farm provides the perfect setting for the club’s more raucous and sordid activities, the venue has also undergone recent extensive renovation after a 55gal drum of intimate lubricant leaked, ruining the electrical supply.
hasn’t held the club back however, as soaring membership applications
have recently resulted in a new car park designed specifically for
dogging, and a 1Gb/s fibre optic broadband connection to allow the
streaming of 4K Ultra High Definition pornography to satisfy some of
the more forthright members.
this revelation might be shocking to some, one member (who wished to
remain hidden from public view) expressed their surprise that it has
taken so long for anybody to notice.“We’ve
been leaving clues everywhere”, the member asserted – “Easegill,
or ‘easy Gill’ as we knew her, is named after one of our more
prolific members, and Wretched Rabbit is named after a favourite club
vibrator that we couldn’t get to work”.
further the hidden history of these classic caves, our anonymous
whistleblower continued; “‘By George’ is named after the famous
reaction of the ladies to one of our better hung members, and
‘Beelzebub’s Hairy Ringpiece’, well, I don’t want to describe in
detail but it was the result of a particularly memorable orgy that
occured the morning after curry night”.
member said that visitors probably wouldn’t notice the shenanigans
but insisted; “Seriously, for your own piece of mind, never use
the members’ mugs”.
Cave Rescue (MCR) have recently released their 2017 incident report
of the findings of the report were easily predicted, for instance
only 17% of the 12 MCR-attended incidents in 2017 involved
underground rescue, and of those rescues a large proportion were from
Rhino Rift to recover local cavers who frequently become hysterical
at the sight of rope.
Rift has a fearsome reputation in the Mendip caving community for
containing three SRT pitches, and as such is considered to be one of
the few Grade 6 caves.
other strong trend to emerge in the report is the significant number
of MCR incidents that involve extracting unfortunate cavers who are
stuck-fast in comfortable armchairs either in their homes or in one
of the local drinking huts.
a statement that accompanied the release of the incident report, MCR
said: “Like other search-and-rescue organisations, Mendip Cave
Rescue has had to adapt to the changing nature of incidents in our
region, and so each MCR Land Rover now carries a wide selection of
lubricants and we are in discussion with Durex about a possible
few of the rescue call outs involved caving, some Dales cavers were
surprised to learn that there were such a large number of underground
incidents on Mendip, with one Clapham-based potholer tweeting,
“Shocked to hear 2 Mendip rescues underground in 2017 – thought
there were no caves on Mendip. Next you’ll be telling me they’ve got
a cave that’s 9 km long LOL”.