Michael Gove is first case of white nose syndrome found in UK

Dankness is sorry to report today that the first case of whitenose syndrome has been identified in the UK. Michael Gove, Tory leadership candidate, has been diagnosed with the fungal infection after several years of suffering. 

The candidate for prime minister is said to deeply regret gaining the disease whilst partaking in some salubrious London based urbexing. 

Due to the focus of the carrier, the fungus is unlikely to arrive in Wales or the North, however the home counties are said to be at risk.

Rumours abound that the Derbyshire Bat Group alongside Orpheus CC, already paid up members of the Tory Party, are working to tackle the infection within the party. 

BCA zealots smack down Access Bodies

Startling scenes occurred yesterday as the Youth and Development group of the BCA issued a stern word of warning for access controlling bodies: let the kids in, or we’ll boot you out.

The proclamation has sent shock waves rippling through the caving world, with those in charge of access traditionally used to sitting in dark corners cackling over cauldrons.

Dame Christine Fielding, a luminary in Mendip elite caving circles, said:”This is ridiculous. An access controlling body should be left to their own devices. Who cares if they ban people at random? They’ll be asking us to let people from Yorkshire in the caves next”

This is in stark contrast to the BCA stance, who’s jobsworth council member Bill Fern told Dankness: “people should be let in caves whenever they want and anyone who disagrees should be flogged”

The move marks a change to an increasingly authoritarian stance from the BCA, in order to “get the trains running on time” as they bid to actually do something of value for their paying membership.

One of the newest initiatives within this movement is the creation of a “BCA Youth”. Whilst seemingly normal on the outside, they are required to deify ex-BCA chairman Randy Crevice, as well as being taught a number of padlock breaking and lock picking techniques. The youngsters are also forced to recite the countryside rights of way act and take an entire class on the perils of landowner liability. After 6 weeks they are permitted to cave in Swildons but without the wet bits.

The team here at Dankness Below don’t really know what’s coming next for the organisations, but we are sure it will generate a few more articles 

BCA youth in a parade march dedicated to BCA luminaries Randy Crevice and Keith Corvus. 

Hans Bratch rescue found to be GUE plot

Recent revelations have emerged after a dramatic rescue in Tennessee yesterday, when famous child catcher and knight of the realm Hans Bratch was retrieved from beyond a sump in Mill Pond, TN.

The world renowned diver was following one line and removing another, before losing the laid line, which forced him to continue into the cave and henceforth into an airbell. 

The diver was stuck in the airbell for 22 hours, and was quoted by ABC news as saying: “The time underwater was not as good as the Thailand incident. We didn’t have nearly enough ketamine”.

Whilst originally assumed to be a simple mistake made commonly by such experienced divers, the Dankness Below staff have discovered from secret American Facebook groups that the rescue was a secret plot by the Global Underwater Explorers to make the UK based Cave Diving Group (of which Hans is a member) look worse. 

Rumours have circulated that Jarrod Jablonski, founding member of GUE, was seen walking away from the Mill Pond with several hundreds of meters of line and some garden shears the night before. We must inform readers that this is only a rumour, as it is not clear how a GUE diver could manage this difficult dive.

CNCC to gate Easegill after Wretched Rabbit damage

Toby Throttlewank

We report here the unfortunate news that the Council of Northern Caving Clubs is set to put gates on every entrance to Easegill after damage that has occurred in the system. The new system, unusual for the CNCC, will require cavers to email the CNCC for a permit, which includes the keycode to the electronic fitted gates. The keycode, a 14 digit number, will be changed weekly due to security concerns.

DanknessBelow is petitioning the CNCC not to gate the system, and you can sign the petition here: http://chng.it/FJddbjySvy

Showcave Owner Contravenes Geneva Convention in Demand for More Publicity

Reports are coming in today that the owner of the Welsh self-appointed National Showcave, Bashful Thrice, has threatened to implement policies of unprecedented abuse.

Despite collective punishment being a war crime under Article 33 of the Geneva Convention, Bashful is threatening to close the showcave to everyone if another entrance is dug.

The owner is well known for shallow publicity stunts, having previously attempted to sue the Met Office because it rained, as well as supposedly illegally dumping plastic pollution in the River Tawe during Storm Callum in order to get on BBC News.

Recent rumours of an “illegal” dig in the system have prompted fear from the owners that their continued caving media hokey cokey (you let your right cavers in, your threaten to leave some cavers out) will come to an end, simultaneously reducing that much clamoured for publicity as well as ending the freak-show style parading of visiting cavers to the general public.

Bashful has made it clear that he will commit war crimes, punishing the entire caving community, including sport cavers, the media, and those interested in the advancement of science, for the actions of a few.

The owners were quoted: “we negotiated this with our insurance company so that we could always hold the Sword of Damocles over the caving community – if you go in the system my way, fine. If you don’t, the world will literally end”.

“We don’t want any of your fucking about”, they continued, “we will fill the fucking thing with plastic fucking dinosaurs”.

Rogue DanknessBelow Staff Fill in Draenan Entrance to “Prevent Spread of Weaponised Bats to the North”

Our internal affairs office has recently come to a startling verdict: the newest Draenan entrance on the tramway was filled in by one of our own journalists, Rusty Screwgate, in an effort to avoid the release of recently weaponised bats, and no, not the wooden kind.

Twll Ddu, the entrance to Draenan opened in 2016, was closed recently by a man, now identified as Rusty screwgate, using copious amounts of concrete and steel reinforcements.

He was hoping to entomb several hundred bats who became recently radicalised by and extremist member of the Cambrian Caving Council.

The bats were discovered last week by a biologist from the PDCMG, the organisation responsible for a long campaign to close the entire cave to anyone not sporting a beard and a funny accent. CCC operatives soon moved in, transporting them to training camps in Transylvania, wherein they learnt to make spurious FOI requests and tactically soil the uniforms (woolly jumpers) of officers from Natural Resources Wales. The now radicalized bats were fitted with laser headsets, not only used for guiding in barrels of concrete to wayward holes, but also used to make accurate Draenan surveys with the aim of showing them to no one.

Our reporter Mr. Screwgate was immediately concerned by this: “Due to level-headed and sensible approaches to access, people up here nary as rancorous with one another about what is essentially a hole in the ground”. Rusty took action and disarmed the weaponised bats in the most absolute sense; “this terror will not spread, and the rest of the caving community is protected from experiencing this sort evil, mechanised, warfare…for now”.

A joint statement from the CCC, PDCMG, and CADW stated: “We are very disappointed. The issue of the new entrance was being discussed in a totally reasonable and calm manner, and we were sure that eventually an agreement, and perhaps even a compromise, could be reached between the Open Access Nutters and the Cave Destroying Bastards”.

Whilst we in the DB team regret the unfortunate experiences of all involved, we are sure that now the ability to radicalise bats has become apparent, the sorry issue will only continue into the future. THE FIGHT GOES ON.

“CDG Only Involved in Thai Rescue “To Make GUE Look Bad””

Many of our readers will have heard of the rescue in Thailand, where 13 lucky souls are now thankfully extracted.

Dankness Below would like to commend these rescuers for their heroics, but our inside source has revealed a sinister plot by the CDG (Britain’s “Cave Diving Group”) to secretly use the event to make rival American organisation GUE (the “Global Underwater Explorers”) look bad.

The long rivalry between the organisations started in 1985, when some American cavers invented a protocol, called “Doing It Right” to be used in their specific location. Shortly after this, they insisted this “holistic” method was the only one that could be used globally.

British cavers, who could not use the techniques in the squalor of British caves, were not enthralled. Instead, they invented a different protocol for British caves called “Doing It Wrong” which incorporates the Rule of Thirds, wherein a diver uses a third of the air diving, another third chatting shit about it in the pub, and the final third inventing arcane Freemason-style methods of initiating new CDG members.

The British style, being applicable to a far wider style of underwater caves, and a far wider variety of mental bastards, eventually won out, but not before several violent altercations between gangs of both groups.

Northern Section, UK, attempts to intimidate GUE divers whilst creating the new American CDG

Recently, the CDG have been extending their influence, by volunteering their members for high profile rescues and events, in a bid to create a new American CDG, in order to push American cave diving into the future.

When asked for comment, a GUE representative said: “Look, it’s not about what you do, it’s about what you talk about. The reason none of our best divers could join a rescue is because of a printer malfunction at GUE HQ. We were unable to print out the DIR phase II Certificate of Achievement for our top diver, and consequently we had no qualified divers”.

When asked for comment, the CDG Northern Section Secretary replied: “Fuggbl Ogbfff!”


Number 3 will surprise you! …

Recent developments in the caving world have seen arguments about whether CRoW does or ever will apply to caves that go on and on and on and on. Recently resigned access campaigner Keith Corvus, who had subjected himself for many years to the BCA – often considered the mental equivalent of Dignitas, has said; “Clearly CRoW will apply to caves in the future because it does so currently with no chance of its invalidation coming about, ever.”. This may be the prevailing opinion among cavers, but our undercover legal researchers have found several reasons why CRoW could never apply to caves. This groundbreaking new work was sponsored by MONGCUNT, the Mendip Official Not Going Caving Underground National Team.

1.NEWTS: Some caves have newts in them so we can’t get planning permission to gain access under CRoW. The newts are legally protected by the law, section 3 subsection 14 index 159, and are present in nearly all caves south of the Mersey. Consequently, CRoW will never apply to caves, because to do so would threaten the safety and emotional requirements of newts. #semiaquaticsafespaces

The greater crested British cave Newt is legally protected and it doesn’t give a fuck about your desire to go in GB.

2.CAVES DON’T EXIST: Nobody knows where caves are because none of them are on a Definitive Map ™. Consequently the caves do not exist, and you cannot get access to caves which do not exist. Check-mate, Draenan diggers.

This map is actually a lie. There are no caves, the Ordnance Survey is just particularly proactive in getting the council to fix potholes.

3.CAVES ARE OWNED BY THE QUEEN: Caves are actually owned by Her Majesty and she hates other cavers. After uncovering a new entrance to Draenan recently, followed by reinstalling all of the CSCC locks, she is sick of your shit. Keep out or get a septre up your drunken filthy arse.

Get orf my dig peasants!

4.EVERY TIME YOU DON’T GET A PERMIT, A FAIRY DIES: That’s right. Shot by a landowner. And it’s your fault. In fact, the debate so far has worsened landowner relations so much that the well-known media-botherer and cave landowner Mr. Stour Cost has made plastic fairies to decorate his land. Every time somebody doesn’t get a permit for OFD he’s going to summarily execute one of them and send the head to the SWCC.

All the dinosaurs are dead because of the Draenan debacle, fairies are next.

5.LAND ACCESS IS COMMUNISM: As all proud Englishmen should know, land access is communism, and should be avoided, because communism. Benny Rothman? Communist. Ewan MacColl? Communist. James Bryce, MP? Massive communist. G. H. B. Ward? Mega commie. Even the CNCC secretly stands for Council of Northern Communist Cavers. Resist the Red Menace – Resist CRoW.

Do not let them win.

Charterhouse Caving Company Imposes New Access Rules

Our reporters, present at the CCC Ltd. AGM and press conference today, were able to give us a shocking first-look at new cave access rules to be rolled out with immediate effect in the Mendips. The Company, which was set up to limit access to the region’s major cave “systems”, has decided that for controversial legal reasons the following rules apply:

  1. Cavers must be between the ages of 24.5 and 51. This is for conservation reasons.
  2. You must not look at the ceiling. Don’t ask why, don’t ask what’s up there, just don’t do it.
  3. At the top of forty-foot pot is a phallic shrine to the metaphysical concept of the landowner. You must suck it upon entry. This is not for conservation reasons.
  4. The entry is price is now 500,000 MNT (Mongolian Tögrög/Mendip Nuisance Tariff). This keeps the riffraff out, for conservation reasons.
  5. All cavers must cave with a sponsored guide officially agglutinated to the Charterhouse Scheme. This may be a warden or other insect of equivalent biological order. For…reasons.
  6. If caving on the Sabbath, no shellfish may be consumed within the caves. This is for conservation reasons.
  7. We may change these rules at any time without prior notice or consultation. The word of CCC Ltd. is final and is based on non-contestable imaginary expert legal advice. This is for conservation reasons.

In what appears to be a fit of uncharacteristic modernity, CCC Ltd. has foregone releasing the new commandments by paper-based means, opting for direct digital distribution only. Trusted online media conglomerates such as yours truly at DB S&P have been instructed to disseminate the information. We assume that this is for conservation reasons.

CNCC ‘Just Can’t Really Be Arsed Anymore’

Recent changes to permit systems in the Yorkshire Dales have led to the Council of Northern Caving Clubs admitting they just can’t be arsed with permits anymore.

Their ring leader Caulde Pooles, said, “We got together for a meeting and realised we’d rather be caving. Because of this we’re putting an awful amount of really good work into making ourselves redundant”.

By making everything available via the their website, including rigging topos, surveys, access details and permits, the council hopes to be fully automated and will someday only have to meet every 10 to 15 years.

“I just can’t be fucked anymore…” said a prominent member of the group “…the meetings are not in a pub”.

One member of the BCA council, with the unusual name Humdrum Comeatme, understood their predicament.“I have to attend BCA meetings and I would literally rather be dead”, he told us.

We tried to contact a “man on the ground” who actually mails out the permits, but all we got was an out of office autoreply saying “fuck off, gone digging”.

Journalist: Ethel Bangrod